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Stalking the Soul, by Marie-France Hirigoyen
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Emotional abuse exists all around us—in families and work. Stalking the Soul is a call to recognize and understand emotional abuse and, most importantly, overcome it. Sophisticated and accessible, it is vital reading for victims and health professionals.
- Sales Rank: #165222 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Helen Marx Books
- Published on: 2000-04-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.20" h x .60" w x 6.10" l, .78 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 208 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
Claiming that emotionally abusive relationships are widespread in marriages, families and the workplace, French psychotherapist Hirigoyen illuminates the subtle, insidious relationship that "emotional abusers" and their "victims" evolve. While recognizing that the "clean violence" of an emotional abuserAwho as a "natural manipulator" often attracts others with a dynamic, winning styleAis hard to prove, she aims to enable those who are being abused to recognize what's going on and get help, and to alert her fellow therapists to the danger signs. Often, emotional abuse builds over a long period of time until it becomes so unbearable that victims lash out in frustration and anger, only to appear unstable and aggressive themselves. This, according to Hirigoyen, is the intent of many abusers: to systematically "destabilize" and confuse their victims (with irrational, threatening behavior that preys on the victim's fears and self-doubts), to isolate and control them and ultimately to destroy their identity. These relentless "predators" are also incapable of compassion or empathy, always blame the victim and never see their actions as wrong. Already a bestseller in France, this clearly written and compassionate book offers sensible advice (get support and leave the relationship if the abuse is personal; take legal action if it is professional), though it may not be easy to execute in every case. A smooth translation, combined with a foreword by Thomas Moore and a jacket blurb from Alice Miller, should help this book find a niche readership of thoughtful self-help readers and therapists. (Nov.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
Already a bestseller in France, this clearly written and compassionate book offers sensible advice…-Cornell University -- Publisher's Weekly, October 16, 2000
Hirigoyen’s book… has sold 360,000 copies and been translated into 17 languages. -Bruce Crumley -- Time Magazine, July 24, 2000
Most helpful customer reviews
14 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
I Could Have Saved A Lot of Money On Therapy Had I Read This First! Outstanding!
By D. J. Deane
This book is simply outstanding! Concise, educational, informative, heartbreaking, liberating, empowering....I could go on and on.
As a woman who was deceived and abused by a narcissist, I can only say this book was essential to my understanding of what I had truly experienced. This book has helped return my sanity & sense of strength. Instead of blaming and shaming myself for what happened, Stalking The Soul helped me understand that I possess many positive qualities that acted as a magnet for the Narcissist. I am an educated, vivacious, life loving, happy and well connected woman with many healthy, long term friendships and close family relations. I am active, intelligent, attractive. I made a terrific target for the Narcissist and he was drawn to me as a Vampire is to blood. In fact, Narcissists really are vampires of energy, souls, and spirits.
This book helped me understand why I ignored those many little red flags and my inability to comprehend the inconsistencies, crazy making, and exchanges - whether big or small, as they all occurred. This book helped me understand completely the behavior of the Narcissist when he lost control of me. 4 months into the relationship I had a strong gut feeling and began to back out, and in his attempt to regain a sense of power and importance, he deliberately inflicted as much pain and insult as possible. I had never been attacked like that in my life and it was incomprehensible to me. Pure malice.
As Ms. Hirigoyen clarifies, only by examining the entire relationship in reverse do we comprehend the events, the barbs, the slights - the little red flags we dismissed - because it was all disassociated when it occurred. It simply did not make sense to us due to our values. WE, the victims/survivors, came to the relationship authentically and fully with good intentions and values that were polar opposite of the Narcissist. We brought a lot to the table, as the author says. As the relationship evolved, we trusted this Narcissist with our vulnerabilities & weaknesses as one does in a healthy, honest relationship. Our values, our honesty, our genuine ability to love not only went unreciprocated, we were conned of something far more valuable than money, and in a horrible fashion. We were unaware that we were engaged with what is essentially a malevolent entity who is not capable of self love, let alone love/empathy for anyone else. We did not know that the vulnerabilities & weaknesses we revealed in loving trust would be turned on us like ammunition that the Narcissist would shred our psyche and soul with in the most heinous, sadistic manner imaginable.
I am grateful to Ms. Hirigoyen for this book. I described it to my therapist and will be lending it to her. Sadly, I am sure there are many out there who have been or will be exposed to such a monster (and I do think they are monsters) and will suffer terrible and excruciating pain as a result. Therapists must understand that we do not want to dwell on the story of what happened, but we need to VENT about it and make sense of it because it can be so damaging. We must understand it's the Narcissist who is responsible for their pathology and behavior, not us. We need to examine what happened to avoid internalizing it and to restore our sanity and psyche! That isn't to say we don't have our own issues, perhaps need to strengthen our boundaries and better listen to our inner voice when it tells us "if something looks too good to be true, it is"; and especially listen if that inner voice says "something here is really not right, step back or just GO!"
If you have suffered - whether it be at the hands of a parent, a partner, a friend or even at the workplace - do yourself a favor and purchase this book. I'd give it 10 stars if I could!
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Essential - Save Your Own Life!
By JDA007
I know there are a lot of books about emotional abuse out there, but it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say this one went a long way to actually saving my life. The author gets it - and we all know most people don't. She covers everything from "how could an intelligent woman like you a) not see this coming b) be so weak c) stay in the relationship longer than you should have" ad infinitum - and her explanations of the psychology of the abuser and the reasons for the psychology that develops in the victims are spot on and will help you feel better about yourself. She also delves into the failure of the legal system and the loss of friendships, etc. when you're in the midst of a situation that eventually becomes overwhelming. Some of the other books I read were good and were helpful, but this one was CRUCIAL. Read it, read it, read it. And godspeed.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
It was systematic, intentional and heartless.
By Wynne Virgo
Read this book if you have been in a toxic relationship that has left you questioning your own sanity.
To address the entirety of the material is beyond the scope of this brief review, but most poignant were the comparisons to Sun Tsu’s, The Art of War (which he was forever quoting) that sent CHILLS down my spine. A list of the manipulations I experienced, from the refusal of direct communication, to the distortion of language, lies, the invalidation of my feelings and other destabilizing tactics that eroded my self esteem and left me continually doubting myself. A roadmap to confusion and control in an attempt annihilate me. Like said in an earlier review, you are prey for these soulless creatures. Don’t try and talk to friends/family that have not experienced this stalking, they will NEVER understand, leading to more harm.
I am angry. This book made me see how systematic it all was. It was intentional and HEARTLESS.
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