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Far from the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity, by Andrew Solomon
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A Scribner Classics edition of Andrew Solomon’s bestselling masterpiece, winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award, The Dayton Peace Prize, and one of The New York Times Book Review’s Ten Best Books of 2012—“a brave, beautiful book that will expand your humanity” (People).
Andrew Solomon’s startling proposition in Far From the Tree is that being exceptional is at the core of the human condition—that difference is what unites us. He writes about families coping with deafness, dwarfism, Down syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, or multiple severe disabilities; with children who are prodigies, who are conceived in rape, who become criminals, who are transgender. While each of these characteristics is potentially isolating, the experience of difference within families is universal, and Solomon documents triumphs of love over prejudice in every chapter.
All parenting turns on a crucial question: to what extent should parents accept their children for who they are, and to what extent they should help them become their best selves. Drawing on ten years of research and interviews with more than three hundred families, Solomon mines the eloquence of ordinary people facing extreme challenges.
Elegantly reported by a spectacularly original and compassionate thinker, Far From the Tree explores how people who love each other must struggle to accept each other—a theme in every family’s life. The New York Times calls it a “wise and beautiful” volume, that “will shake up your preconceptions and leave you in a better place.”
- Sales Rank: #8869615 in Books
- Published on: 2014-03-06
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x 1.97" w x 5.31" l, 2.05 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
Amazon.com Review
Amazon Best Books of the Month, November 2012: Anyone who’s ever said (or heard or thought) the adage “chip off the old block” might burrow into Andrew Solomon’s tome about the ways in which children are different from their parents--and what such differences do to our conventional ideas about family. Ruminative, personal, and reportorial all at once, Solomon--who won a National Book Award for his treatise on depression, The Noonday Demon--begins by describing his own experience as the gay son of heterosexual parents, then goes on to investigate the worlds of deaf children of hearing parents, dwarves born into “normal” families, and so on. His observations and conclusions are complex and not easily summarized, with one exception: The chapter on children of law-abiding parents who become criminals. Solomon rightly points out that this is a very different situation indeed: “to be or produce a schizophrenic...is generally deemed a misfortune,” he writes. “To...produce a criminal is often deemed a failure.” Still, parents must cope with or not, accept or not, the deeds or behaviors or syndromes of their offspring. How they do or do not do that makes for fascinating and disturbing reading. --Sara Nelson
From Booklist
*Starred Review* Solomon, who won the National Book Award for The Noonday Demon (2001), tackles daunting questions involving nature versus nurture, illness versus identity, and how they all affect parenting in his exhaustive but not exhausting exploration of what happens when children bear little resemblance to their parents. He begins by challenging the very concept of human reproduction. We do not reproduce, he asserts, spawning clones. We produce originals. And if we’re really lucky, our offspring will be enough like us or our immediate forebears that we can easily love, nurture, understand, and respect them. But it’s a crapshoot. More often than not, little junior will be born with a long-dormant recessive gene, or she may emerge from the womb with her very own, brand-new identifier—say, deafness, physical deformity, or homosexuality. Years of interviews with families and their unique children culminate in this compassionate compendium. Solomon focuses on the creative and often desperate ways in which families manage to tear down prejudices and preconceived fears and reassemble their lives around the life of a child who alters their view of the world. Most succeed. Some don’t. But the truth Solomon writes about here is as poignant as it is implacable, and he leaves us with a reinvented notion of identity and individual value. --Donna Chavez
Review
It s a book everyone should read and there s no one who wouldn t be a more imaginative and understanding parent or human being for having done so. --Julie Myerson "The New York Times Book Review "
Solomon is a storyteller of great intimacy and ease He approaches each family s story thoughtfully, respectfully Bringing together their voices, Solomon creates something of enduring warmth and beauty: a quilt, a choir. --Kate Tuttle "The Boston Globe "
Solomon s first chapter, entitled Son, is as masterly a piece of writing as I ve come across all year. It combines his own story with a taut and elegant precis of this book s arguments. It is required reading This is a book that shoots arrow after arrow into your heart. --Dwight Garner "The New York Times "
A brave, beautiful book that will expand your humanity. --Anne Leslie "PEOPLE "
[Far from the Tree"] is a masterpiece of non-fiction, the culmination of a decade s worth of research and writing, and it should be required reading for psychologists, teachers, and above all, parents A bold and unambiguous call to redefine how we view difference A stunning work of scholarship and compassion. --Carmela Ciuraru "USA Today "
Deeply moving --Lisa Zeidner "The Washington Post "
A book of extraordinary ambition Part journalist, part psychology researcher, part sympathetic listener, Solomon s true talent is a geographic one: he maps the strange terrain of the human struggle that is parenting. --Brook Wilensky-Lanford "The San Francisco Cronicle "
Monumental Solomon has an extraordinary gift for finding his way into the relatively hermetic communities that form around conditions and gaining the confidence of the natives. --Lev Grossman "TIME "
Masterfully written and brilliantly researched Far from the Tree" stands apart from the countless memoirs and manuals about special needs parenting published in the last couple of decades. --Tina Calabro "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette "
A careful, subtle, and surprising book. --Nathan Heller "The New Yorker "
Far from the Tree" is fundamentally about the bonds and burdens of family, and it s a huge valentine to those who embrace the challenge of raising children who are in some way not what they had hoped for. --Virginia Vitzthum "ELLE "
Solomon has found remarkable fonts of love and kindness in the mothers and fathers of children afflicted with severe problems, and he captures their lives in one touching anecdote after another. --Paul McHugh "The Wall Street Journal "
A raucous, joyful tribute that exalts all parents who love their alien offspring with molten force. --Ann Bauer "Minneapolis Star-Tribune "
Solomon is a superb writer [Far from the Tree"] is the author s Song of Myself, a book containing multitudes. It is a gorgeous, necessary, ambitious book. --George Estreich "The Oregonian "
Solomon treats his subjects with great empathy. --Rachel Wexelbaum "Lambda Literary Review "
Deeply profound [A] brilliant tome. --Kristen Kemp "Parents magazine "
A behemoth worth every one of its 976 pages. --Amy Boaz "Publishers Weekly "
[These] stories are entirely unpredictable and offer us the full range of human experience not only the horror but also the astonishing beauty and in the end a Shakespearean sense that we are such stuff as dreams are made of. --Judith Newman "More "
In "Far from the Tree", Andrew Solomon reminds us that nothing is more powerful in a child s development than the love of a parent. This remarkable new book introduces us to mothers and fathers across America many in circumstances the rest of us can hardly imagine who are making their children feel special, no matter what challenges come their way. --President Bill Clinton
"This is one of the most extraordinary books I have read in recent times brave, compassionate and astonishingly humane. Solomon approaches one of the oldest questions how much are we defined by nature versus nurture? and crafts from it a gripping narrative. Through his stories, told with such masterful delicacy and lucidity, we learn how different we all are, and how achingly similar. I could not put this book down. --Siddhartha Mukherjee, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Emperor of All Maladies
Far-reaching, original, fascinating Andrew Solomon's investigation of many of the most intense challenges that parenthood can bring compels us all to reexamine how we understand human difference. Perhaps the greatest gift of this monumental book, full of facts and full of feelings, is that it constantly makes one think, and think again. --Philip Gourevitch, author of We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families
Solomon, a highly original student of human behavior, has written an intellectual history that lays the foundation for a 21st century Psychological Bill of Rights. In addition to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness on the basis of race and religion, this Bill extends inalienable rights of psychological acceptance to people on the basis of their identity. He provides us with an unrivalled educational experience about identity groups in our society, an experience that is filled with insight, empathy and intelligence. We also discover the redefining, self-restructuring nature that caring for a child produces in parents, no matter how unusual or disabled the child is. Reading "Far from the Tree" is a mind-opening experience. --Eric Kandel, author of The Age of Insight and winner of the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine
Andrew Solomon has written a brave and ambitious work, bringing together science, culture and a powerful empathy. Solomon tells us that we have more in common with each other even with those who seem anything but normal than we would ever have imagined. --Malcolm Gladwell, author of Blink and The Tipping Point
"Far from the Tree" is a landmark, revolutionary book. It frames an area of inquiry difference between parents and children that many of us have experienced in our own lives without ever considering it as a phenomenon. Andrew Solomon plumbs his topic thoroughly, humanely, and in a compulsively readable style that makes the book as entertaining as it is illuminating. --Jennifer Egan, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of A Visit from the Goon Squad
Most helpful customer reviews
271 of 282 people found the following review helpful.
Thoughtful and well-researched
By Greenbyoo
Far From the Tree is a TOME. I mean, it's a great big, heavy book in every sense of the word. To be honest, I was a little intimidated when my copy arrived! I didn't read it cover to cover, but started with the autism chapter because it was relevant to our family. I found it to be a very well-researched, sensitive look at how autism can affect a parent's life, hopes, and perceptions.
That chapter was so good, I moved to the crime chapter and stayed up way too late because I could not put it down. Thank you, Mr. Solomon for pointing out the absurdities in our justice system when it comes to dealing with juvenile crime. (And as for the reviewer who questioned including crime at all, this book focuses on any possible way that a child can turn out different than their parents expected, and being guilty of a crime definitely seems appropriate to me.) I learned a lot from this chapter, and was particularly fascinated by the Klebolds' story. Once again, Soloman wrote with sensitivity about a very difficult and controversial topic.
From there I read the chapter on dwarfism, and then finally turned to the first pages of the book and started reading the beginning! I wanted to learn about how families deal with a diagnosis of autism; instead I learned about how families deal with all kinds of unexpected outcomes, how resilient parents can be when faced with hardships, and how connected are the identities of parents and their children. As a parent, I understand the constant struggle to balance who we want our children to be and who they actually are. "There is no such thing as reproduction" may be my new mantra.
One more thing: in 700 pages (okay, I admit, I didn't read the Acknowledgments) I never found an example of "martyrdom" that one reviewer complained about. The book relates honest responses from parents in the trenches. Parenting isn't always fun, even for parents of kids who have no extra challenges. But Far From the Tree isn't a chronicle of long-suffering devastated parents; there are plenty of positive, hopeful, make-the-best-of-it moments as well.
It's a fascinating book for anyone interested in parenting, psychology, or the history of disability. Highly recommended.
14 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
Disability v. identity
By Stephanie Patterson
I have been disabled all my life. I have cerebral palsy which means that at this point in my life I walk with two canes. Though my parents sought medical attention for me, eventually they embraced my paternal grandmother's Christian Science faith. I have through the years been considered crippled, handicapped, disabled, differently abled and physically challenged. I am who I am both because of and in spite of my parents.
Andrew Solomon's book is wonderful because he is so open to any possibility. He enters so fully into the lives of the people whom he interviews that he helps you understand what their lives are like. All of these families have difficulties but the ones who seem to do best are those who accept (and in some cases) embrace the difference and who say to their children "I love you as you are" and thereby allow their children to accept themselves.(That, alas, sounds like a Hallmark greeting card and Mr. Solomon's book never gets mawkish and his explanations of the difficulties these families face are never facile).
I also loved Mr. Solomon's inclusion of all sorts of differences. He talks about transgendered people, criminals (his interview with Dylan Klebold's mother is very moving) and geniuses. I know a bit more about Joshua Bell's relationship with his mother than I might like, but the chapter was very entertaining.
Mr. Solomon himself is part of this tapestry. He discusses his mother's wish to correct his homosexuality much as she fixed his dyslexia and the teasing he underwent because of he was more interested in opera plots than football plays. As an adult he has married and talks about the feelings he had as he contemplated the possibility of having to raise a disabled child (the child is not disabled and Mr Solomon confesses his relief)
Many the families to whom Mr. Solomon speaks are well off (if they can't find a suitable place for their children to be treated they start one) and I sometimes fear he may be preaching to the choir. Nonetheless, this is a marvelous book and it's wonderfully written. It deserves the widest possible audience.
203 of 214 people found the following review helpful.
A Moving And Informative Book On Raising Children Different From Ourselves
By Jack
How do we raise children who are profoundly different than we are?
This is the question posed by award-winning writer Andrew Solomon in "Far From The Tree." How do parents deal with raising a child who isn't what they expected him or her to be? What if the child is autistic? Deaf? Has Down Syndrome? And how much does nurture have to do with the people our children become? Or is it more due to nature?
Solomon began writing this book twelve years ago, after attending a protest of deaf students who opened his eyes to seeing people with `differences' as not having disabilities, but having their own unique gifts. He follows the lives of many families who are faced with the challenge of raising children who are profoundly different than they expected them to be. Each of these stories reveals in their own way the nature of humanity, the unconditional love of parents for their children, and the desire for all humans to be valued as individuals.
Solomon also shines a spotlight on his own upbringing. The gay son of heterosexual parents, who was also dyslexic and bullied for not conforming to the stereotypical expectations of what a typical male should be, Solomon reveals how he overcame his insecurities to not only accept himself, but to decide to become a father.
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